Long Time 'Comin

Well, this news was "Facebook Official" almost a week ago but I've been mulling over how I want to write about it here....where I keep the history made.  I guess in order for this to all make sense I am going to start at the beginning, although I can't be certain where that is.

Mike and I have known for years Emma was not like other kids.  She has never shown any real interest in playing with other kids.  As a very small child this was of no concern because it's not unusual.  However, at 3 1/2 and 4 when she still didn't really mesh in well with other kids, or have any appreciation for social interaction and play with other kids I thought there might be something more going on. 

I've also noted many times here her sensitivity to noise.  Going to the movies is awful for her and not something she would ever choose to do.   Next time we see a movie she would be more than happy to stay home with a babysitter.  But, it's not just the fact that she doesn't like noise it's that no matter what the situation she cannot handle loud noises.  At a fire safety show I took the kids to at the local library the fire clown picked up a smoke detector to show the kids what it sounded like.  ALL the kids in the room covered their ears.  Well, MY daughter covered here ears, stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs "I gotta get out of here" and then she bolted from the room in a full sprint.  Of course I have to run after her holding a baby and convincing her to come back in the room is about as easy as convincing her to let someone nail her to a wall.  NO WAY.  If someone has a balloon and she thinks that balloon MAY at SOME POINT ACCIDENTALLY pop she runs from the room and is hold up in her room with no hope of returning. 

She has a bunch of other "little" issues but the other thing I wanted guidance on was how to get her to stop chewing on EVERYTHING.  If there is nothing to chew on.....she'll pick up her shirt or her hair if it reaches her mouth.  Nothing I did stopped it and I was very interested in what a doctor could tell me about why a girl who was going on 6 would still be chewing on everything she touched.

Emma is very smart and has a stellar memory and is SUCH a good reader of books.  One thing she cannot read is people.  She can't tell if someone is joking.  If Mike and I are excited about something and become (heaven forbid) loud cheering or laughing or talking she has been known to scream at us to stop fighting.  When people joke with her she will often look at me and ask "are they just kidding?"  We have been puzzled by her ability to laugh in our faces when we are angry at her.  Giving her an angry eye does NOTHING to form behavior.   As a matter of fact- almost nothing affects this child's behavior.  At about 3 years old I remember Mike put her in her room for a time out.  BUT just to make sure she wouldn't play or read he put her in the middle of the room strapped to a booster seat (only for a couple minutes).  Well, when he went to get her she was very happily "rowing' her boat down the river.  She could have cared less she was strapped to a chair in the middle of her room.  We've long been scratching our heads about how to "get through" to this child. 

Well, I thought for sure Emma has/had some Sensory Processing Disorder and I wanted to know the right direction to go with her to help her. I spoke to a pediatrician and she suggested a more thorough diagnosis so I made an appointment with Developmental Pediatrics at the Children's Hospital here.  We waited 6 MONTHS to see the head of the department.  I wanted the best to see our little lady.  Well, we did lots of talking, lots of tests, and lots more talking.  As I was watching him talk to Emma I had almost an out of body experience.  I have so rarely seen Emma talk to another adult when I didn't interpret for her or to her or interrupt to encourage her to answer the question asked of her.  I saw the doctor try and change the subject they were talking about multiple times and she would either not answer his question or she would change the subject back to what they were talking about before (which was her recent obsession Peach and Daisy).  Even so.....I thought I would receive direction about which way to go with this SPD and we would be on our way.  I didn't really connect all the dots of all Emma's behaviors and things until I spoke to this doctor.  He connected them for me when he said that one of the tests we did was an Aspberger Syndrome assessment and out of 108 (50 being a borderline score) Emma scored an 88.  She was a "definite" on the Aspberger assessment scale.

Aspberger Syndrome?  Like on the Autism Spectrum Aspberger?  MY kid?  Huh. 

So, I swallowed the lump in my throat and listened to all the doctor had to say.  I gave Mike the brief and couldn't help but let a couple tears run down my cheeks.  He asked me what was making me cry and I really don't think I knew.  I wasn't sure I had been ready to hear what he said to me.  It felt a little overwhelming.  I felt unqualified.  I barely feel qualified to raise perfectly healthy children with no special needs whatsoever let alone one who might need a little extra help.  I give the utmost respect and accalades to parents who are called to duty of epic proportions.  I am in awe by them.  I am just not sure small as this little issue was I could be counted among them. I wasn't sure I wanted this label I had just been handed for my little girl.  I wasn't sure I could or wanted to be the parent of an "aspie" as I've heard it said.  I'm not sure I wanted to be in this "club" I was welcomed to.  I just wasn't sure.  To be honest I think at least one tear held my fear that some choice I had made for this child in her first year of life caused her brain to work the way it does and that felt awful.  I think one of the tears held my frustration that for all of my "Mommy expertise" my child had problems I can't fix and needed to seek the help of a clinical psychologist to help her.  It felt like in order to do that I had to admit failure.....at least a little bit. 

So- we're moving forward.  We've already seen our first psychologist.....but she's not the winner.  We're still looking for the perfect therapist.  One who does NOT suggest medication for her anxiety/OCD behaviors.  Nope.  No medication.  Absolutely not.  Not unless we go through YEARS of therapy with no improvement.  Darn pill popping Americans!  We're so drugged.....and our doctors are so willing to drug us.

That's the story of how we got here.....to the diagnosis.  I'm sure this story has many more chapters and I'm actually looking forward to the next couple that help Emma.  Even if it means I have to cry 'uncle' and admit I am fresh out of ways to help her I feel SO blessed that we've got access to people who can. 

I also just want to say how much I LOVE all the support from my friends.  I got so many messages from people who knew a little or a lot about what we are dealing with.  I love how the Internet makes the world a more manageable place.