A letter to my boy

Dear Andrew,
Your birthday makes me feel so many things. A few of which I cannot explain and a few of which I don't want to. They are things I keep in my heart so special to me I don't even share with this private yet public blog. I hope someday you will ask me about them and I will be able to tell you. Even more than that I hope one day I can see you holding your very own baby boy or girl and see in your eyes you know all the things I feel when I think of you.
I have never taken your life for granted. I have been aware of you since before I knew for sure you were you. I hoped I could do a better job of hosting your growing body than I did for your sister. I had hoped you would come home with me from the hospital at the end of my stay there. I remember feeling that you deserved better than me. I have often felt imperfect as I try to understand you. I have felt maybe someone with so much life and passion and energy should have come to a mama who is more fun or more energetic or more patient than me. But, you chose me. And, nothing could make me happier. As I try to be the mama I thought you deserved the day you were born. I am grateful to you for always forgiving me where I come up short. You forgive so quickly and warmly. Smiling almost immediately to let me know we're still okay. Hearing your cries when you were born were to this date the sweetest sounds I have ever heard. They were sounds of a boy who may have been born too early, but who had nice strong lungs. I didn't believe one person (doctor, nurse or otherwise) who warned me that boys like you fare the worst in the NICU. I had hoped you would be different. You were. You are. I wish I could have seen you before they took you away from me that Saturday in March. Once I realized you were gone from the room I wanted to do nothing more than sleep for the next 27 hours and dream about the sweet sounds of your cries until I could meet you the next day. You were quite a sight when I met you. I knew you would be the cutest boy alive when you were melting hearts with your cuteness at 2 1/2 pounds. It takes a pretty cute baby to be cute that small (trust me). I love to remember the day you were born. I love to celebrate it. You are a blessing. I haven't learned nearly enough in this life. But, I have learned we don't get any guarantees about the way we think things will go. I have known enough people who have walked harder roads than I to know that your life is nothing short of miraculous. There is no guarantee when you have a baby 9 weeks early you will ever leave with that baby. I know the chances are very good but I was never going to take that 2% of people for granted. Your birthday is a reminder to me of the miracle I was blessed with. I hope you can continue to forgive and teach me. I hope you will always make me laugh and surprise me on a daily basis. Although it would be okay with me if some of the surprises did not include finding you on high surfaces. Your giggle is infectious and your baby blue eyes I am sure have cast some sort of spell on me. For even when your own father can muster the stregnth to lay down a firm law hearing you cry does nothing but make me melt for you. You are aware of this I know. You and I have our own language. I know what you mean even when the words sound nothing like they should. I love reading your mind and I will find the day your thoughts have to be spoken to me instead of felt kind of sad. I love our special connection and I love the way I "get you." You are a jewel to me. I have so enjoyed the first two years of your life. Despite all the rough spots I would do all this over again in a second. Thinking of the way you have grown from that tiny little guy I met in an incubator two years ago puts me at awe. I am drawn to my knees with nothing but gratitude that I have you. That I got to keep you. I promise to help you grow in every way I can with every possible resource I can muster. I love you more than life and I still dream about those sweet sounds I heard the day you were born. My dreams for and about you are evolving as you grow and my heart is full of love for the little man you are and what a joy you are in my life.
Love,
Mommy

P.S.
We did our very best to make your birthday special. This year it was quite a busy day since we had to pick grandma up at the airport in the morning and upon returning daddy left straight for work and didn't get home until 7:30. Emma couldn't wait up for him since she was almost falling asleep in her dinner. BUT, she was so excited to sing to you we thought the best thing to do was give you two rounds of birthday fun!
So, we sang once and had some cake. We had fun with out Mickey Mouse ears, balloons and blowers. We hung streamers and a birthday sign your sister says it said "Happy Birthday Big Fella." She is mostly right. One of my favorite parts of the day was in the morning when you woke up and you came out and were so excited to see Emma she said "Happy Birthday buddy" and the two of you hugged. You are each so lucky to have each other.







Then, because you are so special and because when you say "I two" it rivals those first cries as my most favorite sounds in the whole world we sang again when daddy got home from work. You were quite excited to enjoy another piece of your oreo ice cream cake (as was I).