All things considered

Last Skype with Daddy Sunday before church.

Mike is coming home tomorrow.

I've been thinking a lot about the last 15 months of our lives. I cannot discount how truly blessed we have been. I know so many people who have lived for many more months at a time without their spouse than I have. I just can't ever manage to feel badly for us. Ever. My kids have never gone for more than 3 months without seeing their Dad and I know for any kid with a Mom or Dad in the military- this is a rare blessing. My husband has been safe everywhere he has been. I've worried about him like I always do- he has a dangerous job. But, he's never flown where someone is on the ground looking to shoot him down with a potato gun. I am so very grateful he is coming home safe and unharmed.

As we're coming to a close on this deployment and I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster for over a year I feel an unbelieveable sense of relief for getting off. I feel an undeniable amount of guilt that my turn, at least for this season, is ending. I feel the weight of "doing it all" shifting from the middle of my back to my shoulders where I can set down some of the load. Where I can leave some of it for my partner. There are so many things Mike does that I don't do. His "jobs" around here that have never been formally assigned to him have always reminded me of his absense. For some reason Mike is in charge of light bulbs in this family. He knows what light bulbs everything needs and he keeps the box in our closet supplied with them. Well, a couple of weeks ago I needed to change a light bulb and I had none! I stared at the almost empty box in the closet reminded of how absence, even after 14 months has a way of being new. He cleans the air filters and vents in our house. When the smoke alarm goes off, he goes and gets the ladder and disconnects it. When I've had to do these things I was never mad he wasn't here to do them or sad I had to do them. I was glad I had a husband who would be coming home again to fill his own shoes.

It's true what they say- the hardest thing about deployment is seeing how it affects your kids. I would be lying if I said my kids didn't find a way to rip my heart out at least once a week. I'd be lying if I said I never cried because my heart ached so much for them. For FAR too many nights I go to bed WAY too late because even though I don't like to admit it I hate sleeping next to his empty pillow and it is awful the entire time he is gone. I never ever use his half of the bed or pillow. It feels wrong.

But, for now it's done. For this one tiny moment in time we get to be together again. The kids can't believe he's staying around for a while and are already asking when/where the next trip will take him. Andrew has already asked me if Daddy will be home when he turns 5 since he was gone when he turned 3 AND 4. Emma is estatic Daddy is going to be home before our baby brother is born (ME TOO!).

This one....is done. We ate WAY too much cereal for dinner. I broke up way too many fights with shampoo in my hair. I have huffed kids back to their own beds WAY too many times. We planned away our Saturdays to avoid noticing we were missing Daddy on our family day of fun. We missed him anyway. We missed him every single day. But, for now it's done. And, I guess if I've learned anything yet in this crazy life we've got it's that you take what you get and you make the best of it. And, right now what we've got is some time together.....and we are going to live it up!